


bite your tongue

by syrenhug



Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: Alternate Universe - Gangs, Best Friends, Biracial Character, Bisexual Male Character, Bitter Exes, Canon-Typical Violence, Cheerleaders, Exy (All For The Game), Falling In Love, Found Family, Gangs, Healing, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Justice, M/M, Nonbinary Character, Post-Break Up, Religion, Touch-Starved, Trans Neil Josten, Trauma
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-16
Updated: 2020-06-16
Packaged: 2021-03-04 03:28:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,524
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24757036
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/syrenhug/pseuds/syrenhug
Summary: He can feel the stickiness of the concrete underneath his feet, the presence of all the people beside him. He was born for this. His mother birthed and bleed and died for his right to get the justice that is his birthright.(Vixen, gang leader Neil)
Relationships: Matt Boyd/Neil Josten, Neil Josten/Andrew Minyard (past)
Kudos: 25





	bite your tongue

**Author's Note:**

> after a few years i'm back with a rewritten version of this. a few points:
> 
> 1) neil is a nonbinary person who is man-aligned and doesn't care what pronouns you use and dresses primarily more femininely. the Vixens use she/her sometimes, the Foxes tended towards neutral terms and they/them. neil uses he/him for himself but could care less either way
> 
> 2) he is brown here. his mother's family is afro-caribbean. yes brown people can be redheads 
> 
> 3) some christian symbolism and references because neil identifies with that
> 
> anyway enjoy, finishing this was hell

_[true evil is, above all, seductive.](https://www.pinterest.com/syrenhug/vixenneil-au/) _

* * *

The last thing Neil wants to be doing on an early Saturday morning is an interview for Cheerleader’s Digest. But Marissa made it very clear that it’s the publicity they need and want right now. And Neil knows better than to argue with that woman. She’s the reason why the general public doesn’t hate him.

He takes a brisk shower, sighing as his red curls spill out all over his forehead. It’s getting long again. He ties it up in a messy little bun before brushing his teeth. Avoids lingering on his face.

Getting dressed is usually a task that could take him hours if given the option but he decides to go for a sort of organized chaos that is a green t-shirt underneath a white pair of overalls and over-sized glasses. It’s only an interview today, not a photo shoot.

Neil sighs his way into the hallway. He’d made it a priority to get them a safe house. Every gang had one. Even the shitty ones with no real name for themselves. But the Vixens had carved out a path, it wasn’t the one he had envisioned, but it was real, and he prided himself on their accomplishments. 

Forest is staring out the window when he enters the kitchen, dark hair immaculate like every morning. If Neil was a sin he’d be Envy.

“Katelyn slept in.” They respond to Neil’s unvoiced question. Starts getting ready to head out.

“Oh?”

Forest pauses in slipping on their shoes, but doesn’t comment. Interesting. 

The drive to the studio is quiet. Forest isn’t one for pointless conversation, unlike some people he knows. Neil likes that about them. It pays to be quiet.

They arrive, Forest settling in to stand guard by the mouth of the fashionable decorated room by the front door. The interviewer, a blonde woman with wide eyes, is barely able to hide her grimace at his, well, everything as she ushers him in. Some people don’t like that’s he’s Afro-Caribbean, they don’t like that he’s not straight and they definitely don’t like that he’s nonbinary.

Or, perhaps, it’s because of his affiliations with two of the biggest gangs in the country. Take your pick.

“I’m Ashly Faris.” She offers her hand to shake. Neil pretends not to see it outstretched as he takes a seat on the couch. At least the cushions were soft. “Sorry to drag you out here so early.”

He hums, finding false pleasantries to be tedious. “I understand. Shall we get started?”

She looks down at her notebook and poises her pen to write. “I understand that you used to play Exy before you started cheerleading. What made you make that transition?”

“I love Exy. But it’s a sport that requires teamwork and the environment I was in didn’t really encourage that. The culture around cheerleading is a lot more - well, accessible.”

“In what way?” 

“I suppose it’s impossible to disconnect yourself from one another because every person is so integral to everything you do. Again, it’s supposed to be that way in Exy, but is often not.” 

Ashly nods thoughtfully. “This is going to be the first year of the Vixens going to nationals with you as captain. How does that feel?"

"Our team is obviously excited. Circumstances last time prevented us from making it and we're ready to meet the Scorpions where they are." He says lightly. Her mouth twitches at the subtle slight against the the Raven's cheerleading team. But instead of taking the lead, she hones in on something else. 

"We know that you and Minyard had a - " She seems to struggle for a second. "- Relationship, and many wonder if your separation is the reason why you didn't compete last time."

Neil feels some sense of amusement. Journalists are very very funny. He could call out the fact that there are two Minyards she could be referencing. He could tell her that it's none of her business because it's not. If he was feeling riskier he could even make a comment on what he and Andrew had done in the Maserati on that exact day. "Do you? Know that, I mean. Regardless, Minyard had nothing to do with that decision."

Glancing at his phone, he straightens his shoulders and rises. “I think we’re done for the day, don’t you?”

Ashly can do nothing but agree, though obviously displeased. Neil hates interviews. Forest takes one look at his face when he comes out and waits until they're shielded inside the car to pat his head. He may or may not curl into the touch.

"We'll get burgers on the way."

* * *

“No way.”

Marissa sighs from her spot on the bed. He doesn’t know who decided his room was the ideal meeting spot but it’s too late to change now. Not nearly a year in. “Neil.”

“There’s no way. Orange and white? That’s a joke.”

“Would you rather black and red?” Katelyn says, crouching in front of the mirror to apply her eyeliner. He doesn’t blame her for making it a priority. Many things can be forgiven but smudgy, uneven eyeliner is not one.

He rolls his eyes. Most gangs represented their colors to their deathbed and he is no stranger to pride, but these were Fox colors, not Vixens. It was a sin that they couldn't pick their own scheme. “No, just basic fashion sense. Orange doesn’t belong anywhere near me.”

“And I agree.” Katelyn blinks quickly in rapid succession after putting on her mascara. Neil absentmindedly wonders why she would be putting makeup on to go nowhere. “But we already had this fight about the uniform and managed to get white with orange lettering just because you made such a fuss about it.”

It’s probably a testimony to his I-get-what-I-want attitude that he did, indeed, get what he wanted. But he didn’t make a fuss. Only made a few comments every practice about how ugly they were.

And maybe said something to the Dean in passing.

“Fine. Look like an orange juice carton for all I care.”

The door pops open. Forest and Roxi stop in the doorway and announce “Hello, Harry, we thought we heard your dulcet tones.”

Neil almost laughs. “Stop quoting Harry Potter.”

“Stop throwing tantrums and we’ll consider it.”

Marissa coughs into her first. Neil stares at her until she goes back to examining the cursed bows.

“Anyway,” He continues. “Do whatever you want."

“God, you’re such a Capricorn.” Forest shakes their head. Neil raises two fingers in a peace sign and blows a kiss that Forest and Roxi pretend to fight each other to catch. 

"Fuck. Whatever. I'll wear the fucking bow. But don't get mad at me when I make fun of the Orange Notes." 

"You know we can’t promise that." 

“Tragic.” Neil looks around. “First order of business?” 

Roxi straddles one of the desk chairs, flicking her purple hair over her shoulders. “There’s talk about the Foxes retaliating against Riko’s repeated violations. Leaving body parts in the locker room hasn't gotten old for those human traffickers yet.”

He doesn't often comment on his opinion of their rivalry, mostly because it seems apparent that they would (and should be) vigilant about someone threatening their territory. But knows that there Empire has taken too many lives, and there will be a time where they will have to play more than just their part. The Vixens already protect their community, just as the Foxes defend for it. But it will no longer be acceptable to just to be a backliner, they will have to be strikers too.

So Neil remarks, "Good." and means it. 

* * *

Neil wakes and instantly knows something is off. He mentally plans his outfit like he always does but goes for the silver cross earrings instead of the necklace. Gets up to burn a cigarette, a tribute to the Ultimate Bitch - his mother. 

The phone blasts _Love Song_ and he quickly reaches over to get it.

“Bonjour? Who is this?” He answers, just to be a dick. Obviously it’s his uncle. He answers him in French.

“Hello, demon child. How are you today?”

“I’ve been better. But I’ve also been worse.”

“Isn't that the truth?” He says bluntly, his accent more rough than usual and he feels freshly laundered sheets inside. Despite his bad blood (literally) with his parents, his uncle had always been supportive. Not just financially, but emotionally. 

“Little one,” Stuart's voice hushes. “Gordon’s death is planned. By Riko’s hand.”

He jolts. It’s not as if he would feel any deep sadness for the death of the homophobic mess that was Allison's boyfriend. But Seth had been his, still was, as much as he didn’t want to admit it. The Foxes didn’t really do jump outs and he wasn't exactly in the place to demand one at the time. So he was stuck in Purgatory, the worst place for a member to be. None of the say but all of the responsibility.

This is as pointed as the blades Neil hides in his drawers. 

“Overdose?”

Stuart hums. “You always knew Riko well.”

Of course he had. They’d grown up together. He, Riko and Kevin had played house when they were small. Neil's childhood had been a mess of trauma, all violence and barely any reprieve from seeing or being involved in harm. His father had been complicit in all those sins. And despite the way his mother had fucked him up, at least she got him out. At least she did something. He would always be grateful to her for that. 

So Riko and the Moriyama Empire could absolutely get fucked.

"I'll handle it." Neil assures. 

"Little one, you have to make a choice. There are no friends in this game. Only allies." 

It's good advice, one he won't disregard. 

* * *

“We keep running into each other.”

Neil flicks his eyes to the student center ceiling. After his break-up with Andrew, he’d done everything in his power to avoid sharing air with the Foxes. As much as you could when cheering for their team. “And we also keep walking away so let’s try to continue that.”

After a few seconds, he flicks his eyes back and Matt smiles. It lights up his eyes, makes him look even cuter. Freckles, lean muscles, decent sense of style. Even his skin is pretty - dark brown and smooth without a blemish in sight. And Neil knows it’s all effortless. He is really a beautiful person on the inside and the outside. A rarity.

Neil wants to die. Seeing Matt again always makes his head hurt.

“You haven’t returned my texts.” 

“Why would I?"

“We were best friends for almost two years.” He doesn’t know what face he’s making but Matt reels back. "You’d think that would mean something."

Neil can feel his body tensing. It means everything. But he can't say that. "I didn’t want to complicate things."

"But you did that anyway." Matt sighs, scratching his jaw. Neil notices a scar on his left hand that wasn't there before. "It's fine, Neil. Just consider shooting me a text whenever you actually decide to give a fuck."

He watches him go in silence, thankful that Katelyn had went to go get food so she wasn't there to witness that conversation. Fuck.

* * *

“What do you want?”

A street lamp buzzes on and he stills. Then spins around. Andrew is all hands in pocket, hazel eyes glistening in the amber hued light. Usually Neil is never alone, Forest or Katelyn right beside him just in case he needs backup or is caught unaware. But not only is Neil a striker and incredibly capable of taking care of himself, he also needs time alone. 

There was a time when Andrew was that for him. Protection. A way to recapture the illusion of safety. But the truth is, there is nowhere in the world that he is safe. He’s doomed to a life of looking over his shoulder. They all are. “You’re the one accosting me on the way to my car.”

“I don’t exactly want to be talking to you either -”

“If that doesn’t just summarize our whole relationship.” Neil interjects because he can’t help saying things that mean nothing when he wants them to. Andrew barely even blinks.

“Seth. We doing something about it or what?”

He moves closer. “Who the hell is we?” 

“You’re not stupid. The Vixens stay in our territory and we let you do whatever it is that you think you’re doing because of our history but -"

“Oh, is that why?” Neil can feel the sting of tears and he is not sad, he so angry he could cry. His hands clench and he pushes himself forward into Andrew's space completely, defying all of his prior reasoning on why this wasn't necessary. 

He doesn't know who hits who first but they crash, they scratch, they fall into the ground and hurt each other. Andrew is breathing heavy into his neck, gasping and their hands are on their throats just tight enough to bruise and Neil wants him dead this silly man this nightmare this misery made real.

“Do it, then.” Andrew laughs from underneath him. He smells of a hollowed grave. “I mean, really, if looks could kill - “

“Shut up. Shut up. Shut up.” Neil mutters into the concrete, into the abyss that is the absence of feeling. Apathy is a sickness, it’s a disease, and he is dying.

“You pretend you’re so fucking smart but I'm not you. If you wanna die then go off yourself already. Killing me won't kill you.”

It's too true. Andrew is nowhere inside him but his brain. Even if his heart might wish differently. Neil lets go and pants when he's released as well.

“Get out of my head.”

Andrew spits on the concrete. A bloody mess that Neil wants to lick from his mouth. From out of his body. Neil watches him rock on his heels then spring up, graceful as a cat.

“Begone, demon.”

The man points to the cross fitted tight around Neil’s neck. “How’s that going for you?”

“Nope, we are not doing this. Meet us Tuesday night and hopefully afterwards I can go back to forgetting you exist.”

Andrew’s eyes crinkle at the corners, smirking. Then he leaves. 

Neil dreams of a cat picking him clean, bone and guts and spilled skin, eating him alive. When he wakes, his body aches.

* * *

He’s really not trying to be rude, like, at all, but every time he thinks about the fact that their school band is called the Oranges Notes he wants to off himself along with the members of said band.

That's probably still rude. Yikes.

“Hey, Neil.” The drummer, Landon, greets as he walks past to get to the bleachers. They’re all there a little early just because they can. He’s all tanned skin, sandy hair and polo shirts. The perfect example of prep meets musician. Neil flicks his eyes to the side where Melissa is, gaze expectant. Katelyn grins at him, the bitch. They all know how hard this is.

“I’m not allowed to talk to you.”

“Uh, why?”

“Because I’ll be mean.”

He laughs. Most likely finding it obvious. “I didn’t think it was possible to tame the beast of school spirit.”

“End that, please.” Neil shudders. He’s been called a lot of things - Queen/King Vixen among his own personal favorites - and anything related to school spirit makes him want to die. “Anyway, where’s your girlfriend?”

“We broke up?”

He raises his eyebrow. “Don’t you know?”

“We broke up.” Landon says more firmly, but still just as soft. It seems to hurt him to say and Neil feels bad for making him say it again, for teasing him about it. He has a hard time being compassionate, nice, but he has a great motivation to be the best at everything. Even being kind.

“Sorry to hear that.” 

Landon shrugs. “You know how breakups are.”

And, boy, does Neil know. But he only nods.

The Foxes are one incident away from killing each other. But they play decent Exy. If nothing else, it’s entertaining to watch Kevin yell criticisms that he himself could use and Aaron deliberately run into him during halftime breaks.

They win and he feels a rush of something that must be pride.

* * *

Neil loves dressing up. There’s nothing better than becoming someone else for a while. Allowing himself to pretend that everything is only velvet, eyeliner and tight black pants.

“We love a corset.” Roxi comments after she sees him all done up and Neil smirks. 

Eden’s Twilight is a popular spot on Fridays and it’s only because of Neil’s (and the Foxes) connections that they get to park so close and bypass the line. Roland winks when they slide into the bar and order their drinks. Neil rolls his eyes at the bartender.

Katelyn clicks her tongue and when he raises an eyebrow in acknowledgement, she tilts her head. He spots all of the Foxes crowded around a table. Nicky seems to be talking their ear off. Seth's leg is shaking underneath the table and Andrew looks slightly less bored than usual.

“Seth sure is popular now. Back in my day, we would have taken turns cutting him just to see how much he’d bleed.” 

Forest snorts. “Being homophobic will make that happen.”

“There’s still time to dip out.” Marissa stresses, brown eyes fixed on the rim of her glass. Neil knows it’s directed at him and decides to say nothing. 

Eventually, Neil wiggles his finger and they all group together to dance after knocking back their shots. He watches them shout along to a song, laughing into each other’s faces underneath the lights, and he knows care in the form of four people. It makes him vulnerable, weak, he can hear Andrew warning him. Against his better judgement he looks over to the table again and catches Matt's stare. The man winks and Neil turns back around in exasperation. Weak, indeed.

* * *

An hour later, the trap is set and they encounter something that takes them all by surprise. Riko in the alley with Jean and Thea right behind him. The Foxes were quick to default to their standard formation with Dan, Andrew and Renee in front. The Vixens crawl out of the shadows like spiders, settling around them. Riko laughs and laughs and laughs. He's wearing a suit because of course he is. 

“This is really beautiful, the unity here. It's something I never thought I'd see."

Neil raises his gun and Riko’s eyes sharpen like a knife. He can feel the stickiness of the concrete underneath his feet, the presence of all the people beside him. He was born for this. His mother birthed and bleed and died for his right to get the justice that is his birthright. Thea raises her own gun in response but he knows she wouldn't use it. She hexes Riko in the next room while he sleeps. And Jean tries to poison the man every other week. It became an inside joke at some point.

“I will kill you. Give me a reason.”

“If I remember correctly, you have no love for him.” Riko purrs. Neil knows he loves this. Violence is his biggest kink. “What’s his death to you?”

“He’s ours. And unlike you, we protect our own.”

Riko thinks it over. He’s not stupid. He couldn’t handle a territory fight right now. Even with the backup Neil knows he must have not too far away. “What are your demands?”

Dan speaks from her spot to the right of him. Hand pressed tight to the hilt of her blade. “Remove the hit on Seth. Truce for a month, effective right now. No retaliation from the Ravens for this."

A month is a long time. Riko’s jaw clenches. Neil almost feels bad for him but ultimately has no sympathy for devils. Either God will kill him or Neil will.

"Fine. Keep your precious hitm - I mean Striker - for all I care." The man smiles with all of his teeth. Barely a smile at all. "But know this, I will see you all soon. And no words will save you then."

"I look forward to it." Neil says, blood rushing to his head at the threat. He wants to pull the trigger now, get it over with. But patience is a virtue, so he only stares at Riko's retreating back (putting his back to them, arrogant). Hears someone snort behind him and turns around. Allison face is wrinkled in disgust. 

"I hate him. He talks like a cartoon villain. What a freak."

It breaks up the tension and he pointedly meets Seth's eyes. He gives Neil a tilt of the head in gratitude, allowing Neil to gather his people and go. There's only so much of the Foxes he can take.

* * *

Before he goes to sleep, he opens his messages to find Matt's last ones from a few months ago. 

_I miss you_ , Matt had texted. Neil's fingers hover over the keyboard. 

Finally, _I miss you too_ is delivered but not read.

Neil goes to sleep wondering. 

**Author's Note:**

> [tumblr](https://butchgentleman.tumblr.com)


End file.
